dear sister

I just found out my sister has cancer. I don't really know many details as yet as she needs some alone time to digest it all. It isn't new to her. She has already had a procedure to remove (what she thought) all of it. And last week she had a D&C to remove another one of her precious babies (this was the third loss in 3 years). I know too well the pain she would be feeling about losing a little spirit inside. I too endured a miscarriage in 2001, September 11 to be exact, when the twin towers collapsed in New York. It is a devastating feeling. First you find out you're pregnant (which is such a joy to many of us [to me, a big shock at the time and something I didn't want]), then you live with the fact you're going to be a parent and excitement kicks in. But when you go for a scan and lie there with the sonographer and they can't find a heartbeat, that is the most heart wrenching feeling. You're looking at it, on the screen and it's still, there's absolutely no little heartbeat. Can you imagine the pain of actually giving birth to a stillborn child? A couple of my friends have endured this and had a funeral and everything. It's one of the saddest things in my whole entire life I've had to witness.

My sister has been through so much. With our family. With her own autistic son who was born a cleft palette and having to endure countless operations with him. Now to hear the news this afternoon that they didn't get all of the cancer before, that it is higher up and the fact she has to have a hysterectomy in 4 weeks, I am so very sad for her.

We haven't always been close, in fact, the last few years have been very trying for both of us. We're just so different and she's 12 years older than I. She's more like a Mum to me than anything. I remember as a kid, she was always kind to me, in every way. I could really count on my sister, for anything. I still remember the time she left to live in Sydney. I was torn apart on the inside. I was 8 or 9 at the time. I would now be alone, in a house with my parents. But she left me with something so very special. She had bought me a huge basket of easter eggs and wrapped it in yellow cellophane for me, I was just so happy! I will never forget that moment! I also remember she used to buy me skirts with tule underneath them, she'd bring them up with her when she visited or post them to me. I felt like a princess.

So today, I want to say how much I love my sister and how sorry I am for her terrible news, I can't imagine how she would be feeling this afternoon. I want to thank her for everything positive she has brought to my life. I want to thank her for being who she is.